No More Fear

Some very special and moving happened last Wednesday. At church we had a visiting missionary from Uganda. His name is Vincent Victours and he has visited us several times over the past 2-3 years. He is amazing and truly is sanctioned by God. You can't help but to be enamored of him when you hear him speak. Even though I have met the man many times, he never fails to touch me in some way.

I was at church Wednesday, by myself as David had to work late, and I had been down for several reasons. We are going through the service, having wonderful praise music, and I feel God's presence and love uplifting me. At the end of the service Brother Vincent was about to end in prayer when he looked at me and said 'Sister, come, let me pray with you'. Yep, I got called out by the African preacher man. So, I go up front to him, and he puts his hand on my shoulder and starts talking. And the words that flowed from him could only have come straight from God, because Brother Vincent couldn't have known otherwise. He began to tell me that I didn't need to be afraid anymore, that fear was surrounding me, and that I had no reason to be so afraid. And Lord was he right. I had been living in daily fear. Fear of what? Fear of sooooo many things. Fear that we would lose the house and become homeless. Fear that I wouldn't be able to find a job to help prevent that. Fear that at any moment attack from Satan would come from any direction. Fear that something was going to happen to my loved ones. Fear that I would never get pregnant and be a mommy. So much fear was in my body at one time.

Brother Vincent just kept talking and every word was true. He then reminded me that God loves me and if He is with me, why am I so afraid? (I obviously reek of fear.) Vincent told me to let it go, its only Satan and to not be afraid anymore. Simple right? Well, to someone who has been living in fear so long, its not an easy process. But at that moment, something changed. I can't describe the actual feeling or what was going through my mind in those minutes. But I can tell you that since then I've been making a conscious decision not to be afraid. Am I going to leap off a building and not be scared because I know God will not let me die? Heck no, I'm not stupid. But I am going through life trying not to sweat the small stuff and remembering that God is in charge, and how in the world can I doubt Him?

No, I didn't fall off the face of the Earth, or enter into the witness protection program, lol

I am here. There isn't much to talk about right now. I am not preggo, not focused on being preggo either. Which is a huge relief. When I finally came to the realization that I may never get pregnant, I was doing a lot of personal reflection. I realized that if I never get pregnant, and that it is David and I for the rest of our lives, I am good with that. Being without children has its advantages. I don't have to plan for baby sitters. If we want to do something, we make sure the animals have food and water, set the alarm, lock the door, lock the gate, and go. No worrying about nap schedules, feeding schedules, etc. Would I mind doing all that? No, of course not, but its great not having to do it. I love my husband. He is my best friend. If we never extend our family, other than furbabies, we will still have a great marriage and he will still be my best friend. Is the longing for a baby gone? No, that didn't magically disappear. It's just not so prominent in my life anymore. It doesn't occupy most of my waking thoughts anymore. Honestly, the only time I think about it anymore is when one of my friends mentions pregnancy related stuff, someone asks when we are having kids, or AF is about to hit, and I have a brief 'hmm, am I?' moment.

This release has been fantastic. To not be so obsessed with pregnancy, getting pregnant, and all that crap is a great feeling. Only someone who has dealt with infertility can understand what I am talking about. Even some people who are dealing with infertility don't understand, because they haven't come to the acceptance point in their lives. It could be they haven't tried for almost 4 years, aren't in their early 30's, and are able to do medical assistance. I thank God for granting me the peace to know that no matter what my mind occasionally tries to tell me, I am not a failure, I won't die if I never get pregnant, and my life with my husband will be fulfilling, enjoyable, and rewarding.