Talk about a freaking emotional rollercoaster!

So, good old AF should be here today or tomorrow. We have stopped trying. It was too hard having TTC take up your entire life. So, I've been on the path to acceptance that we may never have children. So, I've been feeling very exhausted and nauseated lately. So I decided to POAS. Well, since I'm not obsessing, I didn't have any in the house :o So, yeah, had to do the nasty thing and pee in a cup yesterday morning and save the pee until I could go to store. Now, since David's birthday is Friday, I was going to Target anyways to get his present. Being short on cash, I just got 1 Target brand test. Come home, dip, probably wait about 1 minute, think I see something, then decide that I'm freaking crazy & just want a line to be there so bad, that I'm seeing lines. Thus the throwing of the stick on the counter & walking away. The rountine of every girl who is fed up with TTC. Imagine my surprise when I walk back in, pick if up, again every hardcore TTC has done this, and see a line! Am I seeing things? No, the line is there! Or, is it? So, freaking out, I try to get a pic, but I have a crappy camera. So, I end up getting an ok pic with my cell & sending it to a couple of folks, asking their opinion. Yes, they all see the line. But then the enivitable question: evap or not? So, on the way to church last night, I got by Dollar Tree & get a couple. Yes, I know its stupid to even THINK of peeing on a stick of any type at 6pm, but if you're reading this, you probably know the obsession. I got to church before anyone else, and yes, peed on a stick at church. Imagine that, its a bfn. So, I rationalize that since I had peed numerous times, and had just went about an hour before, and could only squeeze out about an ounce, there might not be enough hormone in my body.

So, church starts. And to let you know, there is a girl at church who is very pregnant. She is the song leader at our church. We sing & start praying, & I tell God that if that positive test isn't accurate, thank you for letting me believe that I was pregnant for a few hours. Immediately after that thought, L says "I have a feeling that someone here needs something. God told me that your answer is coming soon." So, I just dissolve into sobbing tears. Afterwards, I ask L if she could come back with me to the Sunday School room. And I show her the test (yes, I had it with me). And she is like 'oh my gosh' and starts hugging me. So I explain to her how scared I am that its just a false test (she isn't down with TTC lingo, so I didn't use the word evap) and that I know that the freaking blue dye tests are renowned to be horrid. But she told me hers looked exactly the same with her first child. L then asks if I had told David yet. He wasn't at church because he had to work late. I told her I hadn't, and she told me to tell him when I got home. So, I'm standing there, sobbing my heart out, hoping that it actually was true. Beginning to believe that finally, I was going to be a mommy.

I get home & tell David I have something for him. I show him the test, and he says, 'what is that?' and I ask him what it looks like, and he says 'a plus'. And then he looks at me and asks 'Is that yours?'. (no dear, I carry around other folks pissy sticks, lol) 'Yes, its mine'. 'Oh my gosh', he says. And the look on his face was pure joy and amazement. So, I related the convo at church and how that the test could be inaccurate. So, he tells me not to think like that, to take another one in the a.m.

I wake up around 630am and test. BFN. I head back to bed, devastated, and curl up against David & let the tears flow freely. The alarm goes off at 645, & he realizes something is wrong, so then I have to tell him what the newest test says. My wonderful husband tells me 'well, I say right now is 50/50. One said yes, one said no. Don't worry right now, we'll get a digital or whatever your want and try again in the morning.' (he doesn't count the one at church since it was so diluted)

Can anyone tell me what the hell I'm supposed to feel or think? If you can tell me, please do so, because I am at a loss.