Same old, same old

Still not pregnant. AF decided again to do something unusual. She was here for 1 day on Halloween, and this time decided to be here for 1 day on Thanksgiving. 1 day for 2 months in a row? No, not preggers. I did POAS to make sure, and to of course just take a test, lol. So, not really sure what the crap is up. Guess time will tell.

These past few weeks have been rough. David's Papaw passed away, and I think 3 of my friends have given birth. Great for them, crappy for me. Money sucks, as usual, and looks like its going to be another lean, almost non-existent Christmas. Oh well.

Hmphhhhhh....

The title is exactly how I feel right now. I haven't felt right in about 2 weeks. I'm still so very tired. AF showed her face, but she wasn't mean this time. Matter of fact, she hardly showed up at all. Really on for 1 day. ???? Guess my body has decided to do something new. (insert eye roll) It could do something different and actually get pregnant, but I guess that would be asking too much.

I'm so tired!!!

I have no idea what the problem is, but I am sooo tired!! I'm sure it has something to do with AF being due this week, ugh. The f'ing witch was here last Halloween! She manages to screw up every single holiday! Ok, rant over. But seriously, I am beyond tired. I could have slept all day today. Instead I was just vegging in the chair in the living room, playing on the laptop, playing Guitar Hero, and re-reading Twilight. No, I wasn't doing all of those at the same time, but I did alternate them.

I can't believe tomorrow is Monday. Where did my weekend go? Now, I love my job. Absolutely love it. But I can't wait for a long weekend, or at least a weekend where I don't have to do any serious cleaning or anything but be a bum.

On the baby making issue, we still aren't officially trying. And honestly, it really is nice not trying. I'm going to give it a little more time of not trying, and then I guess I'll get back on top of things. But not checking my FF chart all the time, and staring at calendars, and over-analyzing every tiny thing my body does, or does differently, is VERY nice. I guess this is how TTC is for couples without issues. Wow, must be nice ;)

3 Years Today <3

Today I have been married to the most wonderful husband for 3 years <3 In some ways it seems like no time at all, and in other ways it seems as if we have been together for many, many years. Things haven't always been easy, but completely worth it.

God is Wonderful!!!

Things haven't been good lately. First, the disappearing +, then our landlord was threatening to evict us if we didn't get completely caught up on the rent, I found out that we couldn't afford family coverage at David's work. It's been one thing after another. So, needless to say, I've been on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I've been so scared, and asking God to either help me, or please take me off this planet, because I didn't want to do this anymore if this is what my life was meant to be.

He showed up and helped out in a BIG way. No, I didn't win the lottery, lol. David talked to his boss, and his boss was going to help us out by giving us a fairly large sum of money. Complete and total blessing. When David went to the bank to cash his paycheck and the other check, the teller gave him too much money. $300 too much. He told the teller it was the wrong amount, but she kept insisting it was right, so what could do but accept the money? :o $300 is a huge amount of money! And the blessings continued! David has a friend at work whose wife works at a church daycare & told me to go by there, they might be looking for someone. I went yesterday, but the lady had to leave, because her kids and hubby have the flu. So, I filled out the application and went back today. When I got there, she went ahead and interviewed me & gave me the job on the spot!!! God is great!!

My First Blog Award :)

Wow, thanks Tas!

Rules

1. You Can Only Use One Word

2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers

3. Alert them that you have given them this award

4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part

1. Where is your cell phone? purse

2. Your hair? messy

3. Your mother? tough

4. Your father? dead

5. Your favorite food? Japanese

6. Your dream last night? odd

7. Your favorite drink? Sunkist

8. Your dream/goal? happiness

9. What room are you in? living

10. Your hobby? reading

11. Your fear? failure

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? stable

13. Where were you last night? home

14. Something that you aren’t? Pregnant

15. Muffins? sure

16. Wish list item? job

17. Where did you grow up? AL

18. Last thing you did? church

19. What are you wearing? clothes

20. Your TV? On

21. Your pets? Loveable

22. Friends? clueles

23. Your life? crappy

24. Your mood? crappy

25. Missing someone? sanity

26. Vehicle? xB

27. Something you’re not wearing? socks

28. Your favorite store? Target

29. Your favorite color? green

30. When was the last time you laughed? Tuesday

31. Last time you cried? minutes

32. Your best friend? David

33. One place that I go to over and over? Target

34. One person who emails me regularly? Mom

35. Favorite place to eat? Hokkaido

Recipients (in no particular order!): (Sorry, I don't have 6 blogs)

1. It's a Wonderful Life

2. Those Groovy Gervens'

3. The Greatest Journey Ever...TTC

4. Ramblings

I'm sure most people would say I'm crazy...

...but, I really think that light + was indeed that, an actual +. Why do I feel this way? Well, besides my mind telling me, my body had something to say about it as well. I was fine on Friday. Went out to dinner for the hubs b'day, & then to Target to pick up a couple things. No cramps, no AF. Get home, & with no warning, cramps hit with a vengence & AF let open the flood gates. TMI, sorry. But I don't have cramps on the first day normally, and when I do get cramps, I know they are coming, because they start off light & then get progressively worse. Same with AF. I'll have a day or 2 of good spotting & then she completely shows. This was completely different. I was fine one minute, the next minute I was doubled over & (again TMI) having to change my clothes & clean myself up. And that lasted Fri evening & all day Saturday. So, I honestly think that we had an early loss. Our insurance should be effective any time now, so as soon as I know it is, I'm going to make a dr. appointment to see if we can figure out what is going on, and hopefully get the ball rolling again.

Talk about a freaking emotional rollercoaster!

So, good old AF should be here today or tomorrow. We have stopped trying. It was too hard having TTC take up your entire life. So, I've been on the path to acceptance that we may never have children. So, I've been feeling very exhausted and nauseated lately. So I decided to POAS. Well, since I'm not obsessing, I didn't have any in the house :o So, yeah, had to do the nasty thing and pee in a cup yesterday morning and save the pee until I could go to store. Now, since David's birthday is Friday, I was going to Target anyways to get his present. Being short on cash, I just got 1 Target brand test. Come home, dip, probably wait about 1 minute, think I see something, then decide that I'm freaking crazy & just want a line to be there so bad, that I'm seeing lines. Thus the throwing of the stick on the counter & walking away. The rountine of every girl who is fed up with TTC. Imagine my surprise when I walk back in, pick if up, again every hardcore TTC has done this, and see a line! Am I seeing things? No, the line is there! Or, is it? So, freaking out, I try to get a pic, but I have a crappy camera. So, I end up getting an ok pic with my cell & sending it to a couple of folks, asking their opinion. Yes, they all see the line. But then the enivitable question: evap or not? So, on the way to church last night, I got by Dollar Tree & get a couple. Yes, I know its stupid to even THINK of peeing on a stick of any type at 6pm, but if you're reading this, you probably know the obsession. I got to church before anyone else, and yes, peed on a stick at church. Imagine that, its a bfn. So, I rationalize that since I had peed numerous times, and had just went about an hour before, and could only squeeze out about an ounce, there might not be enough hormone in my body.

So, church starts. And to let you know, there is a girl at church who is very pregnant. She is the song leader at our church. We sing & start praying, & I tell God that if that positive test isn't accurate, thank you for letting me believe that I was pregnant for a few hours. Immediately after that thought, L says "I have a feeling that someone here needs something. God told me that your answer is coming soon." So, I just dissolve into sobbing tears. Afterwards, I ask L if she could come back with me to the Sunday School room. And I show her the test (yes, I had it with me). And she is like 'oh my gosh' and starts hugging me. So I explain to her how scared I am that its just a false test (she isn't down with TTC lingo, so I didn't use the word evap) and that I know that the freaking blue dye tests are renowned to be horrid. But she told me hers looked exactly the same with her first child. L then asks if I had told David yet. He wasn't at church because he had to work late. I told her I hadn't, and she told me to tell him when I got home. So, I'm standing there, sobbing my heart out, hoping that it actually was true. Beginning to believe that finally, I was going to be a mommy.

I get home & tell David I have something for him. I show him the test, and he says, 'what is that?' and I ask him what it looks like, and he says 'a plus'. And then he looks at me and asks 'Is that yours?'. (no dear, I carry around other folks pissy sticks, lol) 'Yes, its mine'. 'Oh my gosh', he says. And the look on his face was pure joy and amazement. So, I related the convo at church and how that the test could be inaccurate. So, he tells me not to think like that, to take another one in the a.m.

I wake up around 630am and test. BFN. I head back to bed, devastated, and curl up against David & let the tears flow freely. The alarm goes off at 645, & he realizes something is wrong, so then I have to tell him what the newest test says. My wonderful husband tells me 'well, I say right now is 50/50. One said yes, one said no. Don't worry right now, we'll get a digital or whatever your want and try again in the morning.' (he doesn't count the one at church since it was so diluted)

Can anyone tell me what the hell I'm supposed to feel or think? If you can tell me, please do so, because I am at a loss.

I think I wanna move

That is saying a lot for me, because I absolutely HATE to move. I love my house & love where it is at. Why do I want to move? Because I'm tired of most people. A lot of my so called 'friends' have decided that they are too good to have anything to do with me anymore. I'm tired of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around people, and go out of my way to please them. They only call, text, or drop by when they want something. I'm tired of these selfish, self-centerd turds!! And I'm sick and tired of feeling like I've done something wrong, that there is something wrong with me. The problem with a lot of them? They all changed when they got pregnant. Now if things aren't on their time schedule, they don't happen. And I'm sorry, but when you make plans with someone, it is very, very rude to cancel them last minute, especially with the reason "it would be weird to have you and my family both here", even though you have spent numerous occassions with her family there too. WTF ever. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of worrying about everybody else. I'm tired of the bullshit. I think I would like to move, where I didn't have to deal with this bullshit day in and day out. Why do I have to deal with it? Because sometimes you cannot control who lives near you, goes to your church, or has mutual friends. Thus, the wanting to move.

Trip to San Antonio

Went to visit Esmy in San Antonio. Since our birthdays are so close together, my trip out there was both of our birthday presents. I was a little freaked out about flying by myself. Ok, I'm lying. I was so freaked out when David took me to the airport, that I started crying in the middle of the airport. I didn't like it that he couldn't go with me to the terminal. Of course you have to have a ticket to go through security. But once I got on the plane, I was fine.

The trip was an absolute blast!! We had soooo much fun together! From eating in wonderful restaurants, to driving to Corpus Cristi to the beach, to just hanging out. Here are some highlights of our trip.

People Make Me Sick!!!!!!!

I am soooooooo sick to death of people with their condescending attitudes. I am fed up with folks' B.S.!!!! If I stand up for myself, I am a bitch, or I have 'misunderstood' what was said. Or, I am being overly sensitive. You know what? If you've got the balls to insult me and put me down, don't try to do it on the sly. Go ahead and admit you are being a shit and that you think you are better than me, and that you should be on a pedestal. Stop playing the freaking victim, stop acting holier than thou, and stop playing people! If you've got the balls to make comments about my life, my personality, and my situation, have the balls to say to my face, in person. And when I call you out, and the crap hits the fan, stand there and take what you deserve.

Wow, it has been a while!

I haven't posted in a while, because other than a couple of life crisis situations, there has been no developments in the quest to get knocked up. I did NOT test at all last month! The first time in over 2 1/2 years I haven't peed on a stick! :o And this month, not charting, not going to JM, pretty much nothing! I'm sick and tired of actively trying and getting absolutely nowhere, except for another crack in my heart, and a lighter wallet from TTC supplies. So, I am going to try something new. I am not going to worry about getting pregnant, and all the crap that goes with it, and I am just going to molest my husband because I want to! And not because I have to either! I will never totally give up hope, but I'm just not expecting to get pregnant anymore.

Sometimes I Just Feel...

so completely alone. I have David, and he loves me dearly. And I have some really great friends. But sometimes, its like no one has time for me. I feel like I get lost in the shuffle. Stupid things seem to bother me. For example, people 'forget' to invite us to b'day parties at church. Even the kids' bdays. And I know they forget about us because we don't have kids. I just feel so out of touch with most people. We can't always relate to the same things. And I just feel that while they are living their lives, they forget about one of their 'best' friends. Yes friends, I love spending time at your house or where ever with your children. I love having them call me 'Aunt Brandi', and draw me pictures, and give me wonderful hugs and kisses. But sometimes I need adult time with just you. I need to feel like a friend of yours again, without being innocently reminded of the lack of children in my life. I need US to hang out and chat about US, or reminisce about US. It's like I don't have an identity anymore since I'm not "Mommy". Sometimes I want to have conversations that don't revolve around what Hot Wheel you got today, or the latest Dora episode. Sometimes I want to have conversations where I don't have to monitor my speech, and I can say all the hells, shits, damns, fucks, bitches, and any other obscenity or 'no-no' word that I feel the need to say! If I want to discuss the hottest night of sex I've had the past week, I don't want to have to use code words. If I want to explain to them why I am so pissed at my sister-in-law for being a whore and being pregnant with #4 at the age of 25, I don't want to have to candy coat the truth. Fuck! Can I just please be remembered as a 31 year old friend, and be treated like one??!!! Is that too damn much to ask?!

Here We Go Again...

I should be o'ing any time now. I haven't gotten any ewcm yet, and my temping has been a little shoddy since we went to Mother's house. But, I know that I should be getting ready to O, so the BD'ing has commenced ;)

The plan for this month is timed BD'ing, Preseed, temping, and prayer. I ordered some maca the other night, so that should be coming in this coming week. I hope that it works as well, or better, for me as it has for others. I guess we will have to wait and see!

Mutiny!

My body is obviously pissed off at me. AF came around. But was she normal? Nope, she was uber light, which is definitely unusual. She also didn't bring with her agonizing and debilitating cramps. Again, unusual. Not that I'm not grateful for a light AF and no cramps, but its just weird. Well, add that to the fact that my boobs are still a little sore, I have been sooooooo exhausted, and I am nauseated as can be. At this moment I want to puke my guts out. Just to put my mind, and the mind of others, at ease, I POAS and got a bfn, like I knew I would. So, I know I'm not pregnant, and I have determined by body had declared mutiny.

Who Was Right?

Was it everyone who said that they thought I was pregnant? Or was it me, who pretty much knew that I wasn't? I was right. Of course. AF reared her ugly head right on time yesterday. Surprisingly, I'm not upset. I didn't cry, didn't get angry and pitch a fit, and didn't question why. This peaceful acceptance is kinda weird.

I'm Pretty Sure...

...that this cycle is a complete freaking bust! Ugh! To have such a beautiful chart, promising symptoms, all for NOTHING!! Part of me is so angry. It seems like everytime I turn around, someone else I know is pregnant, and its really starting to piss me off. No, I take that back, I've been pretty pissed off about it for about the past year or so. Ok, I'm calming down now, getting back some rational thoughts. I know my time will come. It's just that being the pesky emotional human I am rears its ugly head sometimes.

Not Feeling It

Well, my temps went right back up after that massive drop. I put in the same temp for tomorrow that I had today, and it gave me 'possibly triphasic'. I should be getting seriously excited about it, and in a way I am. But...I'm just not feeling it. Part of it was the stark white bfn I got this morning. Yes, I know 10dpo is still super early. But I'm super crampy, yeah I know it could be a pg sign too. And, I just don't feel pregnant. I just don't feel it. That may sound stupid, but I have it in my head that when I am truly pregnant, I will know. Plus, based on over 2 1/2 years of big fat negatives, what is the need to get my hope up? I know it will happen when God wants it to happen, but I guess I'm just not on the same time zone as He is.

That stinking bfn this morning was made even harder by the fact that I had the most wonderful dream last night. I dreamt that I peed on a stick, a Dollar Tree one to be exact, and it almost immediately came up positive. In my dream I remmeber freaking out and looking at it several times to make sure I wasn't seeing things. Then I just started crying and was sooo happy! Then I wake up, test, and realize, yes, it was just a dream. The seemingly unattainable dream, that just seems barely out of my reach.

Hmmmm......

Alrighty, my body has decided to do something new. Massive temp drop this am at 8dpo. Below the coverline. Implantation dip?



http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/brandiwine77



Check out my charts. Never happened like this before. Guess I'll have to wait and see, ugh!

Distraction During the 2WW

Sometimes the 2ww is so, well, nerve-wracking, that it drives you absolutely insane! But luckily this time I've had a little bit of distraction. We left Friday morning to go to Mobile to visit David's Mom and Nanny & Papaw. We haven't been down there in about a year, so it was past time. On Saturday evening we went down to Gulf Shores to hang out for a little while. After getting a few pics, we went shopping, and then to eat at Lambert's. Yummy throwed rolls ;) Here is a couple of pics from the trip.





Beautiful white sands :)

Going across the Bay

O Has Been Confirmed!!

Woo Hoo!!! Massive temp drop on Monday, followed by a huge temp rise this morning! Yeah! Now I get to experience, yet again, the craziness of another two week wait. Fun Fun!!!! *Insert serious sarcasm here!* But seriously, I'm seriously not going to stress about this one. If it happens, excellent, Praise God! But if it doesn't happen this month, I'm going to be ok, because I know it is going to happen for us. And that is saying a lot since its been over 2 1/2 years.

I know I am in a better place mentally right now, more so than before. I know this because I looked at the HPT from my suspected chemical pregnancy in December. I looked at the test, saw the 2 lines there, and I didn't cry. I've had the test hidden for a couple months now so that I wouldn't stare at it every day. I'm thinking that when it comes to the due date for that pregnancy, I may do something special with that test. I'm not exactly sure what I'll do with it at the moment, so I guess I'll have to think of something.

Any Day Now!

Holy EWCM!! Woo Hoo! This means I should be O'ing in the next day or so! Yeah!!!! Glad I'm O'ing a little later than I normally do since David got sun poisoning, eek! Was scared that we might be out this cycle before we ever got started.

I knew I would be O'ing soon, so last night I kept thinking that we needed to get some bd'ing in. But with David's legs hurting him so badly, bd'ing wasn't possible. So, we tried another method. We did an at home AI. Definitely not romantic, but essentially, it gets the job done, if you know what I mean. Guess I'll just be watching and waiting for a temp rise!

Waiting...

Ok, here we go again. The start of another cycle that will hopefully lead to getting preggo :) I'm not stressed at all at the moment. I don't know if its because I haven't had time to stress yet, or maybe because I have FINALLY come to the realization that I will get pregnant, but it just might not be when I want to. Duh, that would have been 2 years ago, lol.

So, this cycle we are going to be using Pre-seed, temping, OPKs, and timed BD'ing. I should be ovulating in a week from now, so I guess we will see how it goes!

Right now, I am just enjoying spending the days with my wonderful hubby, and I am content with spending my evenings entertaining myself while he is at work. I realize that I am very thankful for the past 2 1/2 years. We've gotten to know each other on a deep emotional level, which if we would have had children immediately, might not have been as easy.

Things Are Better Now

Ok, at first I was nervous about going to church last night. Things were definitely weird at first, but after church we had a serious, and long, heart to heart about everything. We all apologized, figured out what was causing the issues, and have accepted each other's apology. And, we are better friends because of it. The only loose end that I need to tie up is telling the person who betrayed my confidence that they offended me and I would like an apology, along with the reason why they felt the need to tell someone something when I specifically asked them not to, and they agreed.

I've got a new outlook today. I'm going to quit stressing in general and just enjoy my life the way that it is for now. I can't make things happen that I have no control over. And if I have no control over a situation, why stress about it? Give it to God and let go. Not always easy, but definitely becoming necessary. I may not always like the way things go, but instead of bitching, I'm relenting. It's God's story, and I have to learn to let Him write it.

Ok, I'm Crazy & MIA

According to some seriously nosy, and wrong, folks at church, I am crazy and MIA. LOL!!!

Here's how it went down: Another person from church posted on FB and asked if I was ok, sent wall message back and told her yes, just needed to get away to do some thinking. She messaged me and asked what really was wrong, and I told her someone hurt/offended me, but wouldn't tell her. (I wouldn't tell her, cause last time I confided in her, she went straight to that person and blabbed.) But I told her not to say anything, that I just didn't feel included at church anymore. Well she said that she felt that David didn't want to be there on Sunday morning to play the drums. But I told her he was just upset we didn't practice anymore, and it embarrassed/bothered him when he messed up. And then she came out of nowhere and told me I had 'a lil too much time on my hands and maybe I needed to get a hobby' WTF? What does that have to do with anything??

Well, less than 5 minutes later, the preggo signed on to FB and put "...a little concerned you didn't reply to my last post. Why'd you skip town?" Can we make it any obvious that Mrs. Nosy called Mrs. Preggo?? LOL And I sent her one back saying I was fine, just needed to clear my head. Not 2 minutes later, while I was talking to David, Preggo Hubby called David on his cell! OBVIOUS!! David called him back, and he asked David "do you know where Brandi is?" "Is she OK?" LOL LOL LOL!!

So, obviously I'm crazy and I've went MIA and left my wonderful hubby!!

Playing With My Ass ;)

Had fun hanging out with the familly today. We harrassed one of the poor donkeys. Well, we had to take advantage of him since he was sedated :) This is proof of what happens when donkeys go bad, hee hee.

If You Can't Resist the Temptation...

Remove yourself from it! So, instead of confronting the 'friend' I decided to run away to ATL to hang with my Mom, Aunt, and cousins. It beats sitting at home thinking of different ways of revenge, hee hee. So, I am doing the grown up thing, and not doing anything!

I plan on spending a very relaxing weekend playing with all the animals and not stressing over anything, except making sure I don't step in horse crap :)

Clueless or Mean?

UGH!! My 'friend' who dropped the preggo bomb on me last night in church just became a member of facebook, and she saw my status that said "still can't believe a friend could be so insensitive". Well, she decided to comment, and here is what she had to say: "Hey girl! Just got through with some work and thought I'd check out facebook for the first time ever. This is cool. A little slow with dial-up but ok. Who's been treatin' ya bad?" WTF???!!!! Hellooooooo?? Are you that freaking clueless, or just playing stupid? You be the judge.

Insensitive

You'd think someone who was your 'friend' would be sensitive to your struggles, and would not want to cause you any additional stress or heartache. You'd think that, but....you'd be wrong. How can someone, in public, drop a bombshell on you, knowing its going to break your heart into pieces?

Picture this: You are in church, getting ready for prayer requests and prayer. All of a sudden, a really good friend of yours says 'please pray for our son, he is going to be a big brother'. And you look at his wife, who knows all about your fertility struggles, and was one of the only ones you told about a chemical pregnancy. You look at her, and your heart is hurting, because she could have told you in private so that everyone isn't about to witness your emotional breakdown. You look for an apologetic look, that means "opps I should have told you seperate". Instead she laughs and says, "Pray for me too, cause I might throw up on any of you at any time". WTF??!! So, I hold it together long enough for prayers to start, and then I lose it, and bawl my eyes out. Did she come to me afterwards, when it was obvious I was distraught? Nope. Did she even speak to me? Nope. I didn't even get the normally hug, love you, bye, that I normally get. She avoided me completely. Some friend.

Oh yeah, and to add insult to injury, I started cramping this morning. Figures.

To Bring You Up-To-Date

I'm Brandi, and I am 31 years old. I've been married to my wonderful husband David, who is 32, since Oct. 21, 2006. Since that time we have been trying to conceive our first child.

After a year with no baby, we began infertility treatments. It was discovered that David had a low sperm count due to a varicocele. A varicocele is a varicose veing in the scrotum that causes increased heat, therefored reducing count. In June of '08 David underwent surgery to repair the varicocele. We were supposed to go back in 3-4 months for a repeat semen analysis to see how the surgery worked. But, I lost my teaching position, therefore our insurance went down the tubes.

Fastforward to right before Christmas of '08. I decide to pee on a stick. Oh my Lord, do I see a second line??? David sees it, but its as light as can be, but still there. So I decide to wait until like Christmas Eve to test again, thinking that the line is going to be super dark. Well, that wasn't the case. The line had disappeared all together, and 2 days later, AF arrives. For a brief moment I experience the esctatic joy of being pregnant. But it was obviously a chemical pregnancy and not meant to be.

Fastforward again to today, where we are still waiting, with no baby. David started working with the poilce department, and hopefully our insurance will start in about 2 months, and we can go from there.