New Determination

The past few weeks have been pretty rough. There has been some fantastic blessings in these weeks, and there have been some tough trials. It's been physically and mentally draining. I haven't been exercising like I had been doing due to the moving and such. And I haven't been eating like I had been either. Crap started sneaking its way back into my diet. And now I think I have a sinus infection. Yeah. But I am determined to get my life back on track. I tracked my food and stayed under my calorie goal for yesterday. I will go to the gym today, even if it kills me. David wouldn't let me go yesterday since I had a fever. I kinda feel like I still have a fever, but I am determined to get some kind of workout in. I'm chugging water like a mad woman. So, doing pretty good. I am determined to be the person I want to be both physically and mentally. That is going to take a lot of hard work, some sacrifice, and lots of support. I miss the way I felt when I was going to the gym daily. Good grief, before working out, did I always feel this tired and sluggish? If so, no wonder I never wanted to get off my butt and do something! But Butt, I am here to tell you, you are about to get worked off!

I'm so over it

By it, I mean drama and people in general. So called friends stab you in the back, and throw you under the bus. Some even don't call you for an entire YEAR! And I'm over it. I will miss these people, and it saddens me, but I've come to the conclusion that sometimes it is just best to be free of people like that. It's hard not to feel lonely sometimes, but would I rather be lonely, or would I rather be caught up in the Drama Llama group? Hmm, is there a third option? Yes, I know I can make new friends. But it takes years to develop a friendship like those I am giving up. I've known some of these people for 18 years! Over half my life! There is history there. There is life, death, marriage and divorce tied up in those friendships. So, its like no matter which option I chose, I end up the loser. I'm a social person. I need girlfriends to confide it, and do things with, but my options either require me to go at it alone, or sacrifice sanity & deal with drama, and neither of those options is what I want.

Yes, I Know. It's Been 2+ Weeks.

But there are sooooo many reasons why it has been 2 weeks since I posted. One, things have been stupid at work. I love my job, but I have been trying to lay low, since it seems like I was getting blamed for everything that went wrong. Oh, let me go ahead and apologize for apologizing and also for the national debt. Two, we were living in a hotel/suite for 2 weeks. I'm grateful that we had somewhere to stay before we got the house, but let's just say that while it was clean and safe, it was tiny, and well, just not home. Third, I've been so tired lately for all the stated reasons, plus the fact that I've been eating horribly, due partly to the fact that crappy food is cheaper than good food. And the other reason I've been eating horrible, is that once I got off my routine, I guess my subconscious evil decided to have a free for all. Now, granted I don't think that I gained back a lot of weight, but it makes me feel like crap, I've started back on soda, and I miss the gym!!! And now add to the fact that I've pulled a muscle on the left side of my neck/shoulder/back. It hurts from my neck down to my shoulder blade, and even the back part of my rib cage. I'm freaking miserable. I can't hardly turn my neck or raise my shoulder or even turn. Ok, I'm through whining.

I'm so very grateful, thankful, and blessed to have moved into our house. It's an absolute blessing and gift from God. Here are a couple of pics from before we moved in.

Please God, grant me strength

Strength to weather the storm that is upon me. Strength to ignore the negative. Strength to look at my shortcomings and see where I can improve. Strength to just trust and go about my business. Strength and determination to keep with my lifestyle change.

Father God, I am tired. I'm tired of feeling attacked. I'm tired of feeling like I have to look over my shoulder continuously for the next attack. Tired of that feeling of 'what next?'. I can't do this anymore by myself. I've tried to be strong. But my supply of strength is gone. God, you'll have to handle this for me. I'm giving it over to you, and I am going to try my hardest to actually and fully give it over to you and let it go. I have a hard time doing that Lord, I know that. But you are a mighty God, and You can handle it. So Lord, here goes. I'm giving you my worries. My worries about my relationship with David. My worries about housing. My worries about the furbabies. My worries about children. My worries about my job. My worries about gossip mongers and hateful people. I'm giving it all to you Lord. It is too much for me.

And Satan, I command you to leave me alone in the Name of Jesus! Satan, you are not welcome around me, and I command you in the Name of Jesus to stop your attack on me and my family and to leave!

In Jesus' Holy Name. Amen.

Determined to be trusting and faithful

God, there is so many obstacles that I am facing right now, that I can't take anymore. It's up to you God to handle them for me, because I am out. I give up and give them over to you. Satan has busted out the big guns and David and I are under so much attack, that all I can do is bunker down. So, its up to you God. I'm determined to be positive through it all, and know and trust that you are my God and my Savior and that you WILL lead me through this. If these last 2-3 months is a test of my strength for something you are going to do, then it must be huge!

I'm beginning to see who my real friends are, who are the hidden vipers in the grass, who I need to be more like, and who I need to surround myself with. From now on I am going to guard my thoughts and not share them with certain 'friends' and only share them with people who know You. God I ask that you show me a way, or provide a solution to the furbaby problem. A solution that I can be ok with, and that is beneficial to them. I can handle my problems (cause I gave them to you) as long as I know they are ok. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Hello long lost friend!!!!! I've missed you so!!

Happened to be standing in front of a full length mirror, wearing shorts as was about to hit the gym, and looked down in the mirror and saw, now get this, I actually saw calf definition!!! :o That wonderful line along the side of your calf that screams "hey look at me, I work a living!" was looking back at me! I had to immediately show the hubs. I was like "Look, I have muscle definition, do you see it?" and was so glad that I wasn't imagining it! He even said to me, "Poo, I know that you say you can't see a whole lot of difference, but I definitely notice it in your lower body." Yeah!!

Hello, my name is Door Mat

My name is Door Mat. My purpose on this planet is for you to use me at your will. Whether that be doing your job, listening to you rant continuously about stuff I can't control, or even care about. I'm also available for you to vent on me. This may include speaking to me like a dog, giving me severe attitude, and cursing at me. My feelings are never included in the process, and will not be considered, so please feel free to use me however you need. Door Mat at your service.

Check Your Attitude At The Door Please!

I am so sick and freaking tired of negative, crapified attitudes from people. I don't care that you are under stress, aggravated, pissed off, whatever you want to call it. You do not have the right to speak to me in any manner that you want to. I am a human being and I deserve to be treated like one, and not talked to like I am lower than a dog. A dog deserves better respect! I keep biting my tongue and just trying to let it go, but its going to happen that I am going to freaking explode! And I really like my job, so I am trying not to explode. I have to keep from saying 'you need to calm the f*** down before I make you!'. Being a turd isn't going to help your situation one single bit, and in fact, its going to make it worse, because everyone around you is going to be absolutely miserable, and we know how misery loves company. But I'm sick of Misery and her catty sister Bitchy and I am about to boot them out and give them a no trespass order! Ok, rant over.

On a more light and positive note, I am wearing a pair of khakis that I couldn't get into this summer. Yeah!!!! I still don't know how much weight I've lost due to scalephobia, but its nice knowing I can sit down in these pants and not have my circulation cut off, lol. Another nice note, my hubby sent me half a dozen red roses yesterday and took me to get a mani :) It's nice to have something like that done after all the hell he has put me through lately. (Still can't talk about it, but it won't be long before it shows up on here, because with God's grace, I am working through the hurt.)

Can't wait to head to the gym tonight! I didn't go last night because had church and got my nails done before.

Seriously?

Yesterday was a crazy day. Crazy at work, too tired to go to the gym between work and practice. Practice was fun, but tiring. You wouldn't think you'd get tired playing an instrument for 2 hours, but you do. Left practice and came around the corner and the whole parking lot at work was covered up with fire trucks. Let's just say someone on 13 needs to learn to cook, the elevators went down, and it was drama galore. So needless to say it was almost midnight before I hit the bed. Could barely get up this morning, and I am so sleepy, my eye hurts (only 1 contact in) and have a horrible headache because of the one contact. Add that to other folks at work are having rough days and are being a wee bit pissy, and I tend to get the brunt of pissy. And I even drank a Pepsi to try and get rid of my headache, but didn't help. Tried chugging a bottle of water thinking it was dehydration. So far the Pepsi, water, and 4 Tylenol haven't cut it. Things have to get better this afternoon or I am going to be a pissy gym goer.

If I've Said It Once....

I'm saying it again. Mr. G, you are undoubtedly the biggest pain in the ass I have ever encountered! I can't wait until I get you out of my life!!! Just the thought of you makes me literally nauseated!!

Sorry to keep complaining about my gallbladder, but when I can barely function through the stomach pains, nausea, indigestion, and diarrhea. I can't even give up soft drinks completely, because Sprite is the only thing that will settle my stomach. It's like being pregnant (I assume) but no benefits at the end!

Messed Up Week

Things just have not been routine this week. And if you know me at all, you know that drives me crazy!!! I haven't really been able to do a good cardio workout due to my different foot injuries. These nagging and painful injuries include a massive skin peel on the ball of my foot. I believe this was caused by wearing cheap socks while walking 3 miles on a treadmill. Then there is a horrible open blister on the back of my heal of the same foot. I think the reason why that foot is the pain in the butt is because it turns out some. Hoping good padded socks help. So, went to the gym last night for the first time in a couple of days, and tried the treadmill. Didn't make it long (15 min) because the blister on the heel felt like thousands of fire ants biting me. So, got off and did a few min on the arc trainer (still getting the hang of getting my fat butt moving on that one, lol), and then did a lot of weight machines. So, I got a workout, just not the kind I wanted and felt I needed. I am sooooooo missing my normal cardio workouts! Wait, did I just say that? The fat girl, who until recently would rather give up a body part than get on treadmill said she is missing cardio??? Wow. Progress :)

How much more?

God, I know that you tell us that you aren't going to put more on us than we can handle. I'm glad you have so much confidence in what I can handle, because from where I'm standing, I'm about to lose it. I don't know how much more I can take right now. From the infamous Monday (yes, I know that is vague, but I still can't talk about it), to the housing situation, and now one of my sweet babies is gone. My nerves are stretched to their breaking point, and I'm so scared and jumpy and I'm just waiting for the next shoe to fall. I keep looking over my should thinking 'what next?'. God, I know you know best, so I guess I am asking you to give me some kind of foothold so that I don't fall completely and lose myself. I'm hanging on the brink, and I need a hand.


RIP my sweet baby Hooch. Mama misses you and loves you dearly.

Wow!

After one of the worst days of my life Monday, I had a wonderful workout yesterday! I wasn't able to go to the gym Monday, as there was just toooooooo much drama, emotions, and then practice from 730-930, so I was rearing to go yesterday.

Normally when I get on the treadmill, I set the timer for 30 min and do the countdown. I realize I'm always watching the clock. So, instead, I just hit quick start, didn't give myself a time limit, and decided to see how far I could go and be comfortable and with no knee pain. Did 30, felt great, decided I bet I could do 45. Hit 45 and thought, "wow, would be great to do an hour", and did the hour! I coulda done some more, as a cool down, but the treadmill automatically cuts you off at 60 min. Booo!!!! So, I did a quick 15 min cool down on the bike. Think I have found my new routine!

TGIF!!! In soooo many ways!!

Sooooo glad it is Friday!! I love my job, but I need a break. I'm tired of people's attitudes, and I need to get away from it for a couple days. I don't want people's shittified attitudes to make me not enjoy my job.

I feel ok today. Stomach is kinda bothering me, but nothing like in previous days. Had a wonderful lunch of cabbage, green beans, and purple hull peas. Had some cornbread too, which isn't the healthiest thing in the world, but since the rest of the lunch was low cal, figured I could splurge.

Got a couple things to do after work, but then headed to the gym to workout.

WTH is wrong with Mr. G???

Oh yeah, that would be the fact that Mr. Gallbladder is an expert in pain. I can't wait to give Mr. G his walking papers and send him on his merry way! We tried working together. We've had a great relationship for about 33 years. But...now he is a misogynistic jerk and I'm tired of the crap (literally), and I can't wait to cut him out of my life (& body). I mean, I listened to his demands and cut out the grease balls in my life. He was fine with that for a while, then he started getting more controlling. He found fault with the turkey I was frequently seen with! How can you get angry over turkey??! So, with his last little temper tantrum, that last for almost 3 days, Mr. G has worn out his welcome. While I can't kick him out just yet, he has gotten his eviction notice and will be out in the next 30-60 days! See ya Mr. G!!

Wow, Talk About Life Changes!

1. This blog is not going to be fertility focused anymore.
2. I guess my gallbladder has been unhappy with my eating habits, so I have all but completely cut out fried foods and other crap. I've had maybe 3 Pepsi's in 3 weeks!
3. August 31-- I walked into Planet Fitness and signed up.
4. September 1--I actually went to PF to work out! And it was amazing!!! I finally understood the elusive and previous incomprehensible 'exercise high'!
5. September 13--My hubby starting working with me! Heck of a pay raise and we save money on gas too! Also on September 13, I joined livestrong.com. A wonderful site with many tools to help me not be the fat girl anymore.
6. September 14--2 weeks since joining the gym and I can honestly say I've only missed 2-3 days! Woo hoo!!

Do I Know You?

I've felt lately that is the question I have been often asking myself.

So much crap and such as been going on for the past few weeks that its absolutely freaking ridiculous! Good and bad. Good=fantastic job that I now have and completely love! Bad=we've moved into a temporary location until we can save the money to move our trailer up here. Hopefully this situation will last only about a month or two. I hate to move. I mean HATE to move. I would rather have my toenails ripped out than to move. It could be that since Jan. '06 it will be the 6th move I've done so far, with the 7th only a month or two away. Yes, you read correctly. Seventh. Moving takes its absolute toll on my body and mind. It stresses me out so much that I can't eat, I'm constantly sick and spending half the day in the bathroom for one end or the other. Sorry, shoulda had a TMI warning, but oh well. Right now I just need a day of complete peace and quiet. I need a box of good books and a pretty location to help de-stress. And I promise you, I am going to get that soon, no matter what I have to do. I'm off work Monday due to the 4th, so if David has to work, then that is going to be my day.

Please pray for me guys. Prayers for peace and understanding. Prayers to just trust and believe that God loves me and will not do anything to harm me. Prayers for faith and wisdom. Thanks!

MIA

Been MIA due to not really having the time to post. Nothing new and exciting to post. I haven't found a teaching job, I'm not preggo, and I haven't won the lottery. That's about all the update I have for now, lol.

Some people are such **********!!!!!!

Fill in the blank with whatever horrible, degrading, ugly word you can think of to describe the person I am thinking of. Seriously, why am I so aggravated? Because some person had the audacity to sign me up for a subscription of Babytalk, the magazine for new mothers. WTH??!! Are you freaking kidding me?! I've been battling infertility for almost 4 years, and some childish little snot has to be low and do this to me?! And I'm pretty sure that it sounds like something "M" would do. That's about up there with her immaturity level. But all I have to say is that what you give out will come back to you.

*Sigh*

Nothing mind blowing to update at the moment. Just a quick note to let folks know I haven't went MIA again. Things have just been a little hectic, and still are. I'm not updating at the moment, because I don't have the time today, plus, I feel like absolute dog crap. Seriously. If I didn't have to run some errands, my happy butt would be crashed on the bed right now. Does anyone have the license plate of the truck that ran me over?

Hanging in GA

For the past couple of days (since Friday), I've been visiting Mom in Georgia. David and I came over Friday afternoon for a much needed visit and break. There are all sorts of critters to play with, and lots of stuff to do, like fishing and riding horses. I partake of the fishing, but prefer to pet the horses instead of riding them, lol.

Here is David and baby Canadian goose :)

Enough!!!!

I am sicking and freaking tired of gossiping people!! It's to the point that I am so pissed off, that I want to be unleash some serious anger on folks!!! How old are you people? Seriously, you range in age from 20's-50's. Some of you claim to be good Christian folks. So, you'd think that you'd know to just keep your mouth shut. I understand that at times we are all guilty of gossiping. Even me. But this mess has gotten out of hand. Seriously out of hand. When it seems that you are more concerned with finding things wrong with me or my life, and more concerned with beating me down to try to make yourself look better, than your own life, then its time to realize that you might need some counseling.

According to Bible, life and death are in the tongue. (paraphrased from Proverbs 18:21) Since that's the case, who have you killed today?

How Do I??

How do I forgive someone and move on when they have wronged you so horribly? I know God tells me to do so, but its so hard! Do I tell them my feelings? Do I just vent it personally and not bother? I know I am supposed to turn it over to the Lord and He will take care of anyone who has wronged His children. What if its my Mother-in-Law? What if she has hurt me and David so badly that I want to drive my happy self to Mobile and confront her face to face? What if I'm sick and tired of seeing my husband upset because his own flesh and blood mother treats him like a second class citizen? What if I want to tell her that until she gets some counseling, I don't want her back in my house?

When David and I got married, I really wanted a mother-in-law that I could be close to, and would be like a second mom, or at least a good friend. Did I get that? Nope. I too get treated like I don't belong. Heck, our first Christmas together, I ended up in the guest bedroom at her house, crying my eyes out, because her, and all of her step children, wouldn't even speak to me. I wanted another family that I could be a part of since I didn't grow up with a big family, and most of the family on my father's side has already passed away. But David's mother doesn't make me feel like part of the family at all. Everything has to always be about her. If all 3 of us are in the same house, she has to make sure all the attention is focused on her. She is a pro at playing the damsel in distress bit. And she seriously needs mental help, because she has a shopping addiction. A serious shopping addiction. So bad that she offered to pay for our honeymoon, and on the day before our wedding tells us 'opps, sorry, I blew all of your honeymoon money on clothes'. :o Nice huh? Obviously I have a lot of built up anger. And I am trying to do the Christian thing and let it go. I am really trying. Trying so much that I haven't said anything, and its been almost 4 years that this mess has been going on. Do I continue to let it go?

Prayer Request

If you are reading this, I ask you to please say a quick prayer for me and David. I won't go into all the details right now, but suffice it to say that we need all the prayers we can get right now. We are in a very rough situation, and right only the grace of God will see us through. So, I ask you to please send up prayers to the Father on our behalf. Thanks friends. Love y'all.

What If?

What If??

What if 'my time' never comes?
What if I wasn't meant to be a Mom?
What if my only children are furbabies?
What if I can't ever have that question answered?
What if my womb stays forever empty, never to be filled with life?
What if I never have the blessed experience of bringing one of God's miracles into this world?

What if I have missed my chance to be a Mom from conception to adulthood?
What if I never have to clear off the front of my fridge of all the drawings my children have done?
What if I break down in the middle of Target baby section? Again.
What if I become some embittered that I completely lose myself?
What if my desire becomes my demon?
What if my desire is my downfall?

What if my Mom never gets to see her grandchildren?
What if my husband never gets to look into the eyes of our newborn child?
What if I can't teach my little girl how to cook "like Granny taught me"?
What if my husband never gets to show our kids the firetrucks he risks his life using?
What if we never have a family picture of us and the kids at the beach or the lake?
What if we have no one to teach our hobbies?
What if my brother never becomes an uncle, and my sisters never aunts?

What if God doesn't give me the answers?
What if my 'what ifs' come true?



Thank you Tasjaana Lee for inspiring me to put this down on 'paper'.

*To learn more about Project If click here.

Possibilities

Things are pretty much the same as they have been for a while now. But we do have a wonderful blessing and prospect on the horizon. David may be changing jobs. He loves his job working on fire trucks, especially since he is a firefighter also, but is willing to change jobs if the one he was recently presented works out. We should know in about a week, but praying that God makes it all work out for the best for us. This job would be a complete and absolute Godsend. Basically, David's salary would double. Yes, actually double! :o And with the overtime potential, it could even more than double! I know happiness isn't based on money. I've been miserable with money, and happy without money. But money can provide a certain release. Release from not having to worry if the power bill is going to get paid, or if you are going to have more than 20 bucks a week to buy groceries, and stuff like that. God has provided for us during these rough times. We have not went hungry, and through God's grace the bills have pretty much gotten paid. Some bills, like student loan payments, have had to fall to the wayside, but oh well. But with this new job we would be able to pay all our bills, start paying the student loan payments, start tithing the way that we should be able to, and even have enough left over to give to special projects and put money back for savings. So, if you are reading this, please pray for us. Pray that David gets this job and that it is all that he was promised.

Something New

Ok, just a short note to try something new. What's new? Using my cellphone to post this blog. Yes I'm a nerd and haven't done this before, lol. Definitely not going to be my main form of entry for sure. Way too time consuming.

15 Years

It's been 15 years since my Dad has passed away. Wow, can't believe it has been so long. Sometimes it seems like it has been soooo long ago, and other times, it seems like it was only yesterday. I still miss him, especially when there are certain occasions in my life. Daddy never saw me get married, will never mine and David's kids, and will never see another family holiday. He has missed so much. He was only 44, and I was only 17 when he died. Seems so cruel. And at the time, he seemed so much older. But I have friends that are around that age, and they don't seem as old. I guess maybe because he was my parent he seemed so much older. Here are some pics that were taken not too long before he passed away.

Thoughts of the Day

Here are some random thoughts of the day, based on things that have been going on in my life.

1. My husband is the best! He is understanding when, even though I'm not working right now, I tell him I am tired, and he doesn't complain that the dishes weren't washed.

2. Modern medicine can be a serious lifesaver. When you wake up at 430am and your jaw is killing your due to TMJ, you start thanking God for painkillers.

3. Friends are great! They are there for you when you need them. Especially when you realize you took your only pain pill for your jaw, and what are you going to do after that, and they come to your rescue with meds in hand.

4. Teenagers now, or a least a lot of them, need to be brought back to reality with a firm, swift kick in the pants, or a bell-ringing slap to the face. Especially when you are old to enough to technically be their parent, and they have the audacity to speak to you like you are inferior to them. I hate to break it to them, no matter what they think, neither they, nor Mrs. Gray are a plethora of knowledge.

5. Suicide is a selfish, selfish act. You hate yourself and your life so much that you want to end it all. You do, and by doing so, you leave family and friends with permanent questions and scars. This may sound harsh, but get over yourself, pull yourself together, realize that no situation is permanent, get some balls and deal with your life.

People are just snots sometimes

I've pretty much come to terms with the possibility that David and I may never have biological children. But even though I've come to grips with this, it doesn't make it easy when people are acting like snots. And snots is NOT the word I want to use, lol. I have a 'friend' that just insists on rubbing my nose in my infertility. And she is not ignorant of the situation. She knows fully about our struggle. So her asinine behavior isn't due to ignorance. When we go to a store that would have baby clothes, such as Target, Walmart, Belk, or any similar store, she always wants to look at the baby clothes. Mind you, she has no children of her own, and will never have any. She had the chance at children before, but decided to abort, then had a miscarriage, and then a hysterectomy. Karma?? I digress from the story.

The friend and I, I'll call her Kathy, were in Target this week. We were walking down the back main aisle, that takes you past the baby items on one side, and the household textiles on the other. I'm glancing at a comforter while walking when I hear the dreaded sound. "Awwwwww! B, you just gotta come and look at this!" I politely, but firmly, tell Kathy, "Nope, I'm not looking at baby clothes." Her reply was, "but you just gotta! It's too cute!" My response is to ignore her, glance to Heaven and say "Jesus", as a clue for God that I needed divine intervention to shut her up before I physically did. Did she get the clue when I refused to veer her direction? Did she get it when I refused to even look at her? Did she get it when I got a little louder with my last plea to Heaven? Nope, she didn't get it. Alex Trabec didn't have enough clues for this girl obviously. And what made it worse? In my attempt to ignore Kathy, I couldn't very well plug my ears without looking like a crazy person, so I did hear her running commentary. And what bothered me about the ESPN style rundown of the clothes you might ask? Well, it was comments like "I know y'all are trying and all, but if you finally ever have a baby, then I'll have one too." No, Kathy, you are NOT going to be a surrogate Aunt of our miracle baby when it comes. You are about to become the parent of an appendage that I've broken off in your rear.

Pet Peeve of the Moment

Now, we all have friends that we've had for years. Some of us have had friends stick around for 15-20 years, or more. My best girl friend on this planet has been my besty for 27 years. Yes, 27 years. We met in kindergarten. We've also all had friends that came for a time period in your life, and then left for whatever reason. Not that they weren't good friends, just not meant to be lifelong ones. What ticks me off is when a friend that you've had for over 15 years just seems to have feel off the face of the planet. The last time you've spoken with them was November, despite the phone calls, texts, or wall posts on facebook. The most you get back is a comment on the wallpost. Bah, whatever. You can't tell me that your life is so busy that you can't be bothered to drop an email or a message on facebook. It's like when their life is good, you don't hear from them, but when their life is going down the proverbial crapper, or there is some serious family drama, they are calling you up looking for support and backup. Well, you know what? I'm tired of being the 'backup friend'. If you don't have time for me, well by George, I'm not going to make time for you when you need it? Sound fair? If it doesn't, maybe you are one of those friends.

No More Fear

Some very special and moving happened last Wednesday. At church we had a visiting missionary from Uganda. His name is Vincent Victours and he has visited us several times over the past 2-3 years. He is amazing and truly is sanctioned by God. You can't help but to be enamored of him when you hear him speak. Even though I have met the man many times, he never fails to touch me in some way.

I was at church Wednesday, by myself as David had to work late, and I had been down for several reasons. We are going through the service, having wonderful praise music, and I feel God's presence and love uplifting me. At the end of the service Brother Vincent was about to end in prayer when he looked at me and said 'Sister, come, let me pray with you'. Yep, I got called out by the African preacher man. So, I go up front to him, and he puts his hand on my shoulder and starts talking. And the words that flowed from him could only have come straight from God, because Brother Vincent couldn't have known otherwise. He began to tell me that I didn't need to be afraid anymore, that fear was surrounding me, and that I had no reason to be so afraid. And Lord was he right. I had been living in daily fear. Fear of what? Fear of sooooo many things. Fear that we would lose the house and become homeless. Fear that I wouldn't be able to find a job to help prevent that. Fear that at any moment attack from Satan would come from any direction. Fear that something was going to happen to my loved ones. Fear that I would never get pregnant and be a mommy. So much fear was in my body at one time.

Brother Vincent just kept talking and every word was true. He then reminded me that God loves me and if He is with me, why am I so afraid? (I obviously reek of fear.) Vincent told me to let it go, its only Satan and to not be afraid anymore. Simple right? Well, to someone who has been living in fear so long, its not an easy process. But at that moment, something changed. I can't describe the actual feeling or what was going through my mind in those minutes. But I can tell you that since then I've been making a conscious decision not to be afraid. Am I going to leap off a building and not be scared because I know God will not let me die? Heck no, I'm not stupid. But I am going through life trying not to sweat the small stuff and remembering that God is in charge, and how in the world can I doubt Him?

No, I didn't fall off the face of the Earth, or enter into the witness protection program, lol

I am here. There isn't much to talk about right now. I am not preggo, not focused on being preggo either. Which is a huge relief. When I finally came to the realization that I may never get pregnant, I was doing a lot of personal reflection. I realized that if I never get pregnant, and that it is David and I for the rest of our lives, I am good with that. Being without children has its advantages. I don't have to plan for baby sitters. If we want to do something, we make sure the animals have food and water, set the alarm, lock the door, lock the gate, and go. No worrying about nap schedules, feeding schedules, etc. Would I mind doing all that? No, of course not, but its great not having to do it. I love my husband. He is my best friend. If we never extend our family, other than furbabies, we will still have a great marriage and he will still be my best friend. Is the longing for a baby gone? No, that didn't magically disappear. It's just not so prominent in my life anymore. It doesn't occupy most of my waking thoughts anymore. Honestly, the only time I think about it anymore is when one of my friends mentions pregnancy related stuff, someone asks when we are having kids, or AF is about to hit, and I have a brief 'hmm, am I?' moment.

This release has been fantastic. To not be so obsessed with pregnancy, getting pregnant, and all that crap is a great feeling. Only someone who has dealt with infertility can understand what I am talking about. Even some people who are dealing with infertility don't understand, because they haven't come to the acceptance point in their lives. It could be they haven't tried for almost 4 years, aren't in their early 30's, and are able to do medical assistance. I thank God for granting me the peace to know that no matter what my mind occasionally tries to tell me, I am not a failure, I won't die if I never get pregnant, and my life with my husband will be fulfilling, enjoyable, and rewarding.